Saturday
For something billed as a Working From Home blog, I've noticed I very rarely mention work. Ah well.
Bike Ride
I'm not saying the wife has low standards of expectation for me, but as I was heading out for a bike ride with the kids on Saturday morning she crouched down next to Eva and whispered "Eva, keep an eye on Dad, A&E don't need to be dealing with idiots falling off bikes at the moment."
Eva is 7, clearly has no parenting experience and has been riding a bike without stabilisers for about 3 days. I am 41, have been a father for more than 11 years and ... actually, the wife probably has a fair point, I am quite clumsy. And over ambitious on my bike.
Eva was pleased that her bike was 'less broken' than the previous day. She later admitted to the wife that maybe the bike hadn't been broken after all, and maybe it could possibly, maybe, possibly have been her tired legs to blame.
Very gallant of her. Eventually.
Harry Hill
The weather turned this afternoon so out came (** insert dramatic sound effect here) jigsaws.
To be clear, jigsaw puzzles, not those DIY tools of the same name. I don't believe wrapping kids up in cotton wool is ever the best approach to child development, but there is no way I am letting my kids loose with any power based cutting devices; I come out in cold sweats just watching Henry attempt to spread butter with a table knife.
Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, jigsaws. A calm, quiet past time, I was impressed with the wife's forward planning and thoughtfulness. For about 30 seconds, that is, before the crying and the wailing and the gnashing of teeth started.
Eva is never wrong, so when her jigsaw wasn't coming together properly, it was the jigsaws fault. The fact that the jigsaw was brand new and was completed in the box before she took it apart meant nothing: she was right, it was wrong.
And Henry? Well, Henry sat on the floor surrounded by a sea of Minion faces and argued loudly with himself for I don't know how long before the wife stepped in to help.
"Henry" she said "you need to have a system." I noted the baffled look on Henry's face, but I have to confess I zoned out at this point remembering Harry Hill, Stouffer the cat and badger parades.*
I was snapped out of this moment of televisual nostalgia by Henry hollering "Eva! Eva! Mam says you've got to help me with my jigsaw!"
Everyone: "Henry, a system, you div, not a sister!"
Eva confidently, perhaps a little smugly, strode over to Henry's jigsaw, and after a couple of minutes mumbled it was very tricky and harrumphed off.
* Possibly a bit of an obscure reference to the late 90s The Harry Hill Show there. You could google it, but I suspect it won't have aged well.
Bored Games
Things took a turn for the worse later on when Monopoly Cheaters Edition made its first appearance since the post-Christmas/pre-New Year board game debacle.
It won't be coming out again any time soon.
The game, it turns out, is the ultimate test of parenting credentials, requiring strategy, skill and cunning. And that's just to keep the kids in order. It is a test where, I'm sad to say, I fell well short of the required standard.
It's quite straightforward in principle, the basic rules of monopoly but with an added cheat dimension where you can try to, as the name suggests, cheat. The cheats are limited in scope and number and are detailed on a handful of cards that are visible to all players. They are not an invitation for rampant, underhand skulduggery.
Henry paid no attention to the cheat cards and just did what he fancied. Though he shook with excitement every time he cheated, which was a bit of a give away. He also accused everybody else of cheating constantly, which is penalised with a fine and which in turn made him very grumpy.
Eva couldn't bear the guilt of cheating (even though it's in the rules) so burst into a prolonged spell of uncontrollable sobbing when she did try a cheat.
While the wife was dealing with these meltdowns I helped myself to a few hundred monopoly quid from the bank, which just set everybody off again as this, apparently, 'wasn't fair'. You snooze you lose, chumps.
Fortnite
Henry has had his Fortnite game time restricted, too much time on it makes him grumpy, edgy and restless.
I wondered about asking whether the wife had been playing too, but decided against it for my own safety.
Cats, Again
Belle has a morning routine that she follows without fail. She comes into our room early, meows and nudges us until one of us gets up and gets her breakfast.
She sniffs at it briefly before wandering off without touching any of it, and goes for a lie down.
Bloody cats.
The kids are the same to be fair, though they tend to eat theirs.
Thought of the Day
When does social distancing become anti-social distancing?
Sunday
And on the seventh day they rested.
And cleaned up Henry vomit. Poor lad. Hope it's not catching.
Moist
I noticed while at big Tesco that the toilet roll aisle was next to empty again. Don't worry, I was only window shopping, we still have enough to last a few weeks yet.
I say 'next to empty' because there was a couple of boxes of Andrex Moist toilet tissue remaining. I had the misfortune of having to, er, 'avail myself' of moist toilet tissue once. Not my cup of tea. Still makes me shudder thinking about it now. Is violated too strong a word to use here? Maybe. Maybe not.
Anyway, how can there still be no toilet roll on the shelves? Or kitchen roll for that matter? What are people doing with it? Not the kitchen roll, the lack of toilet roll probably gives a strong clue as to where kitchen roll is coming in useful. Actually, if Juan Sheet is to be believed, it could be a money saver.
In other disposable paper news, the wife has gone environmentally friendly and we have to make use of a reusable cloths or sponges now. Instead of kitchen roll, I should add - we're not animals!
Another Earworm
I think I've had enough of being stuck indoors now, judging by the earworm for the day: Break From the Old Routine by Oui 3.
I had to Google the song as I couldn't remember who it was by. It seems that was their biggest hit from the one album they released.
The lyric that was going round in my head was:
What do you mean we need a break from the old routine?Not surprised the band didn't last, their lyrics clearly suggest an inability to hold constructive conversations.
We need a break from the old routine.
Looks very professional!
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