#flattenthecurve Episode 21 Bohemian Shop For Me

Bohemian Shop For Me

[A couple are at home, the wife is humming to herself as she clears up after a meal, while the husband is writing at the kitchen table. Blue italics should be sung not read]

Wife
Alexa, play Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen ...

Is this the real life?
Is this just fantasy?

Husband [rolls his eyes]

Wife
Caught in a landslide,
No escape from reality.

Husband [sarcastically]
Lovely singing pet

Wife [ignores husband and continues]
Open your eyes,
Look up to the skies and see,

Husband
I'm just a poor boy, I need some sympathy,

Wife
But you’re easy come, easy go,
Kick you out, off you go

Husband
Any way the wind blows. Doesn't really matter to me, to me.


Wife
You aren’t nice, you know

Husband
You started it!

Wife
Just get on with, with whatever it is you’re doing and leave me to my singing, git [clears throat]

Mama, just killed a ...

Husband
Flan

Wife [Pauses, glances at Husband]
Put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger ....

Husband
Loaf of bread

Wife
[Gives Husband the evil eye]
Mama, ...

Husband
Do we have bread buns?
Or did you have to throw them all away?

Wife [Glares at Husband, who pretends not to notice and keeps writing]

Where was I? Oh yea,

Mama, ooh, didn't mean to make you ...

Husband
Pie

Wife
Are you doing this on purpose?

Husband
What's that pet?

Wife
Dropping food references into ...

Husband [Looking pleased with himself]
What? I'm just doing the shopping list pet, now let me carry on, carry on

[Husband and Wife carry on with their jobs for a while]

Husband
So you want anything getting in for your girls night? Bottle of prosec ...

Wife
Sends shivers down my wine

Husband [Glares at Wife]

Wife [Smiles smugly]
Did you see what I did there? Annoying, isn’t it, pet! [laughs]

Husband
Right, I’ve got to go [gets up from table]

Wife
You’ve got to leave me all alone and face the truth? [laughs to self]
Goodbye! Oooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Be quick, please fly!

Husband
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all
[Shakes head, but smiles. Collects bags for life from the kitchen drawer while wife plays air guitar to musical interlude. Opens kitchen door, walks along hall towards glass plated front door with sun light streaming through.]

Wife
I see a little silhouetto of a man,
Scaramouche, Scaramouche, will you do the Fandango?
Thunderbolt and lightning,
Very, very ...

Husband
Enough already!

Wife [follows husband along the corridor]
(Go to Tesco) Go to Tesco,
(Go to Tesco) Go to Tesco,
Go to Tesco, Off you!

Husband [opens the front door and steps outside]
I’m gonna go-o-o-o [shuts door behind himself]

Wife [turns back into the kitchen, spots husbands wallet on table]

Husband [opens door again]
I'm just a poor boy, nobody loves me.

Wife [Throws his wallet at him]
He's just a poor boy from a poor family,
Spare him his life from this monstrosity.

Husband [waves wallet triumphantly above his head]
Easy come, easy go, will you let me go?

Wife
Bismillah! No, I will not let you go. [Clings dramatically to husband]

Husband
Let me go!

Wife
Bismillah! I will not let you go. [Wipes mock tear from her cheek]

Husband
Let me go!

Wife [Increasingly dramatic]
Bismillah! I will not let you go.

Husband
Let me go!

Wife
Will not let you go.

Husband
Let me go!

Wife [looking resolute]
Never let you go

Husband
Never, never, never, never let me go?

Husband and Wife together
Oh oh oh oh
No, no, no, no, no, no, no

Husband
Oh, wifey dear, wifey dear (wifey dear, let me go!)

Wife [menacingly]
Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me, for me.

[Husband and Wife rock out dramatically in hall]

Husband and Wife together
So you think you can stone me and spit in my eye?
So you think you can love me and leave me to die?
Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby,
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here.

[Husband and Wife calm down, before Husband prepares to leave the house again]

Ooooh, ooh yeah, ooh yeah

Wife
Nothing really matters

Husband
Anyone can see,

Wife
Nothing really matters,

Wife and Husband together
Nothing really matters to meeeee.

Husband [closes the front door, pushes open the letter box]
Any way the wind blows.

[Split screen: Wife wanders back to kitchen, Husband walks towards car, both in unison ... stamp stamp, clap ... stamp stamp clap ...]