#flattenthecurve Episode 37

You've Got Style, That's What all the Girls Say

As parents, we walk a fine line between telling our kids the right approach to take in life to make sure they avoid the pitfalls on the pathway to adulthood, and allowing them to make, and hopefully learn from, their own mistakes in life.

I try to err on the side of the latter approach rather than the former (where it is safe to do so, of course) and as a result I was accompanied on my morning walk today by a miniature astronaut (Eva) and Willy Wonka (Henry).

As I reasoned with the wife, I need content for my blog, and while fancy dress may be considered by some to be inappropriate walking attire, a walk with an astronaut and Willy Wonka has far more entertainment potential than a walk with two grouchy rat bags who woke everybody up far too early again and aren't allowed to wear what they want.

It looked like the walk was going to be sadly uneventful, the astronaut/Willy Wonka race across the field was notable only for its lack of notable events. Aside from Willy's top hat blowing off mid race and an attempted.tripping incident with the walking cane. There was mild amusement on my behalf when Henry started repeatedly singing "Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka" mispronouncing "Wonka" by replacing the O with an A, but as he wasn't being ridiculously giggly at the same time he clearly wasn't doing it on purpose.

But then came the dog and the horse.

The dog was first. Eva is terrified of dogs, we have no idea why. She's never been bitten or even barked at, but the sight of a Cockerpoodle, Labradoodle, French Bullpug, Rottweilahuahua, Dalma-Russell or literally any other dog you can possibly imagine causes her hysterics and she wails and waves her arms in the air. But dogs do seem to ignore her, thankfully. Until today.

On this occasion, the approaching greyhound seemed overcome with delight at finding a miniature astronaut in his path and raced over to investigate. Eva shrieked and scooted behind me, the dog dodged, ducked, weaved, and finally licked Eva full in the face.

Ellie (the dog) bounded back to her owner delighted to tell her all about licking an astronaut for the first time, while my little astronaut stood rooted to the spot aghast. Apparently it was my fault because I'd told her not to run away.

And the horse. The horse was ... how do I put this delicately? ... the horse was a male horse. Very clearly a male horse. And Mr. Horse liked the look of Mrs. Horse. I thus had the task of guiding miniature astronaut and Willy Wonka past the amorous horse without either child noticing it's amorousness. And without intervention they of course would have noticed, they can be very observant when we don't want them to be. Ok, so this has nothing to do with astronauts or Willy Wonka, but it amused me no end.


Who Lives In a House Like This?

The neighbour was out creasoting his fence this morning. Again. I think he creasotes his fence more than I cut the lawn. He always says hello when you see him, but he strikes me as a bit odd. Can't quite put my finger on why though, maybe it's his ponchant for creosote.

It did make me realise that actually we have a quite a few odd neighbours. You've already met the people over the road with the hot tub (least said, soonest mended there) but there's a few others worth mentioning too:

In number 69 there lives a transvestite. He's a man by day, but he's a woman at night.

There's a man in number 4 who swears he's Saddam Hussein. Say's he's on a chore to start the Third World War

In 110 they haven't paid the rent, so there goes the TV with the repo men.

In 999 they make a living from crime. The house is always empty 'cause they're all doing time

In number 18 there lives a big butch queen, he's bigger than Tyson and he's twice as mean

And finally, in 666 there lives a Mr Miller. He's our local vicar, and a serial killer

So if you find the time please come and stay a while, in my beautiful neighbourhood. My neighbourhood, my my, my beautiful neighbourhood.

Any similarity between my neighbourhood and that of 90's Scouse band Space is entirely coincidental.


You Pretend You're High, Pretend You're Bored

It's garden waste collection day today. That this is noteworthy perhaps demonstrates more than anything how dull lockdown life is becoming. If it wasn't for Gangs of London and After Life I think I'd have slipped into a boredom coma by now.

Gangs of London is epic, although we missed the first episode so not really sure how they managed to shoehorn Caitlyn Stark into becoming John Shelby's mother. There must have been some glaring continuity errors though, as both died ages ago. Oops, spoiler alert for latecomers to Game of Thrones and Peaky Blinders.

That aside, well worth a watch.


And The Lyrics

"You've got style, That's what all the girls say"
Dress You Up, Madonna

"Who lives in a house like this?"
Neighbourhood, Space

"You pretend you're high, pretend you're bored"
Stupid Girl, Garbage