#flattenthecurve Episode 38

Special Double Entendre Episode

As my blog is vaguely family orientated (although I'm aware a couple of swear words do slip out from time to time) I've been trying to avoid double entendres.

However it's been getting harder and harder to do so, so I've decided to get it all out in one go with a special double entendre episode.

If this rubs you up the wrong way I can only apologise in advance, but it was inevitable that standards would go down over time.

Note to my Mother:
Mam, I can only apologise. You didn't bring me up this way, where did it all go so wrong?


Sweets For My Sweet, Sugar For My Honey

We're a big fan of Haribo in our house, with Tangfastic considered the king of the ket (* see note for non-Northerners below).

I was lucky enough to grab the last fun size bag in the cupboard earlier, 8 little sweet nuggets of fizzy delight all to myself.

The wife was visibly distraught and begged me to give her one. I was reluctant as the kids were hanging around somewhere, but I'm nothing if not generous so I shared my packet with her discreetly.

* ket (/kɛt/)
noun NORTHERN ENGLISH
a sweet, especially an inexpensive one of a type intended mainly for children.


I Drove My Tractor Through Your Haystack Last Night (Ooh Ar Ooh Ar)

After work it was a nice sunny evening so I thought I'd try a spot of gardening.

We're lucky as we have two gardens, though as neither of us are exactly horticulturists we've split maintenance and upkeep between us. We've become quite territorial about them actually, so the deal is that the back garden is mine while the wife takes pride in looking after her front garden.

Trouble is, she can't manage the lawn mower so I need to take care of trimming both our lawns. The wife's had become a bit overgrown recently and I was finding it hard going. She noticed I wasn't making much progress so she suggested that I should have a go round the back first then finish off at the front later. She's thoughtful like that.


I'm Bored, I'm the Chairman of the Board

Tuesday evening and the wife told me she was sick of TV and wanted to try some board games. Scrabble was the game of choice, but we had to be careful as the board is a bit wobbly.

We tried it on the sofa, then on the coffee table, we even tried it in the floor but my back got sore so we ended up having to finish off on the dining room table.

I finally managed to win. With no tiles left in the bag I concludied the game firing off an impressive double word score that contained no blanks.

The wife complained that I always finish first, maybe she just needs more practice.


Disclaimer
The wife and I have been married for many many years, there is of course no way we could share sweets, take care of the garden and complete a game of Scrabble all on the same day.

Please let us never, ever, speak of this episode again.


And the lyrics?

"Sweets for my sweet, Sugar for my honey"
Sweets for My Sweet, C.J.Lewis.

"I'm bored, I'm the chairman of the bored"
I'm Bored, Iggy Pop

'I drove my tractor through your haystack last night (Ooh ar ooh ar)"
The Combine Harvester, The Wurzels