#flattenthecurve Episode 45

Blurred Vision

On the Parklife album track 'Bank Holiday', Blur told us that:

Bank holiday comes with six-pack of beer
Then it's back to work A-G-A-I-N

Well, wrong on both counts this time round Mr. Albarn and friends. The Wife did the shopping and bought no beer (so I had to settle for a pineapple spiced rum and coke - how very metrosexual of me) AND I had the Tuesday after the bank holiday off work too.

Another example of Britpop Cool Britannia 90s culture not translating well to 2020, or just a very random start to my blog? I'll let you decide.


Ideas

Since the days of "Dad, I've wet the bed", "Dad! I've done a poo!" or "Dad, I'm going to be sick" the words I dread the most when I'm woken up are "Andrew, I've had an idea" or even worse "Andrew, I've been doing some research".

I'm not pointing fingers here, but the only person who calls me Andrew in our house is The Wife.

When it's just an idea, it isn't so bad. Although I may be in for a bumpy ride, I can usually talk her out of whatever crackpot suggestion she is about to make. But when she's progressed an idea to doing research, there's usually no way out. And it usually means work for me.

Being most definitely a 'not a morning' type person, my cognitive reasoning takes quite a long time to get up to full speed, so waking up can be quite stressful just in case there has been new ideas or researching to contend with.

Some of the more expensive early morning idea or research conversations I've been dragged into include:

- Wouldn't it be nice to get married?

- Wouldn't it be nice for Henry to have a little brother or sister (before you ask, this was a very matter of fact conversation, not a pretext to any ... 'schenanigans')

- I've been looking for architects

As you can tell, I'm usually on the losing side of these early morning chats. Though in fairness they don't always turn out bad.

Bank Holidays are always a worry, as they seem to be used as an opportunity for 'ideas' to be shared and new jobs to be done around the house, so on Saturday when I made it to mid-morning and was keeping myself busy with a spot of DIY I had chosen to do in the back garden, I thought I was safe. How wrong I was.

The wife emerged from indoors with a smile on her face, brandishing a mobile phone in one hand and a tape measure in the other. "While the kids are playing out the front Andrew .... "

"It's quite cold out here" I protested, glancing at the tape measure with some concern and getting my excuses in first "and the neighbours are out and ..."

"What? Oh, don't be filthy" she scowled "no, I've been thinking."

She lied, she hadn't been thinking. Or rather, she hadn't just been thinking. It had progressed way beyond thinking. Rooms had been measured, children had been consulted, hopes had been raised, and the IKEA order was ready to send.

Next weekend I will be dismantling Eva's bed, moving her furniture around, taking apart Henry's bed and rebuilding it for Eva. I will be constructing a new bed/desk combo for Henry, replacing hinges and doors on existing damaged furniture and (and!) building and installing three units plus a work top in the utility room.

And I know the wife thinks this can all be done in a morning, and come Sunday evening she'll be 'surprised' it all took so much longer to do than she thought it would, and I'll just get scowled at for pointing out that I said it would take a lot longer than she thought.

And it's not like it's going to be outside in the garden where I can potter about and drag the jobs out either.

Pfft.


B&Q Take 2

Oh no, its happening again. Somebody is making a fool of themselves in B&Q car park, right in front of me.

This time a couple with three kids are trying to fit a bedroom worth of flatpack furniture into their medium sized hatchback.

They also seem to have forgotten to dress the toddler, who only has a t-shirt on. Yes, only a t-shirt.

"Mam!" shrieks one of the kids. "He's doing a wee!" I'm guessing the 'he' in question was the t-shirt wearing toddler, rather than the Dad, but as I was focusing really hard on looking at my phone at this point I couldn't be too sure.

And now they are driving off with half the back seat folded down, 3 kids squashed into the remaining back seat space with 2 child seats unconventionally sitting on top of them.

The B&Q manager fella did point out that what they were doing was illegal and they were on camera, but to no avail.

On a positive note, they didn't notice me noticing them. Thankfully. The wifee looked as hard as nails.


Lockdown Confessions

Taking my lead from our unelected head of state (no, not the Queen, the other one - the Cummings fella) I've decided to come clean on some lockdown transgressions of my own. Hopefully this will stave off press interest.

- On a couple of occasions my daily exercise exceeded one hour. I know this will shock people, but in my defence the noise that the kids make is far more manageable when you're outdoors.

- Also (yes, there is more) I may have stretched the definition of 'essentials' while out shopping, and strayed into the luxury branded items once or twice. Especially in the ice cream section, I do like ice cream.

- And finally, handwashing can seem such a chore at times. Though on the occasions I decided life was too short to always be handwashing, I was extra specially careful to rub my hands together vigorously to make sure any germs were superheated by friction and so killed off anyway. That works, right?