'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
"Daddy" asked Eva in that wheedly little voice she uses when she's either after something or about to be cheeky "is your t-shirt a medium?"
I did my "ermmmm" sound that I do when I'm distracted and want to sound non-commital, but she swiftly followed up with a "because you can see the shape of your tummy!" She then proceeded to laugh hysterically while prodding said tummy.
Eva is 7, and has that dangerous combination of having her father's sense of humour, her father's good looks and her father's lack of filter. She's basically a little me, there's no hope for her. Mind, she doesn't get her stroppy nature from me, wonder where that comes from?
A game!
Rearrange these letters into the name of a person, with no link to the previous comment about being stroppy. Honest. 'Honest':
T E H W I E F
To be fair, Henry has a good sense of humour too. Him and Eva had been arsing around doing something stupid (I forget what, life seems like a never-ending spell of kids arsing around doing something stupid these days) when a clash of heads provoked tears of outrage from Eva. It was generally accepted that Henry was to blame, so we gently prompted him with a "now what do you say to Eva?" suggestion.
"Eva" announced Henry, looking (with hindsight suspiciously) calm, serious and sensible, and taking us all momentarily off guard. "That really hurt my chin." And off he wandered with a huge grin on his face.
We're S.H.O.P.P.I.N.G
Going to B&Q is now like lining up at a theme park for a big rollercoaster, they have a wooden framework queueing area that you have to wind your way around, it's just the warning signs that are different. And the rollercoaster at the end isn't as exciting, though as you've got to push it yourself it can still be quite good fun, especially the corners. Anyway, I've paid for the damage, the security guard wasn't anywhere near as scary as he looked, the CCTV footage has been erased and we agreed that no more will be said on the matter.
The whole escapade was quite exciting actually, the fella in front of me in the queue must have been a headline writer for the Daily Mail. He was on the phone describing the scenes of 'absolute chaos' as he waited in line calmly alongside about 10 other people, who were all standing quietly and correctly observing their 2m of social distance.
I think he was just upset that'd he'd judged the weather badly as he was shivering in his shorts and t-shirt. I always worry somebody will read my mind in situations like this and take offence at me internally mocking them, so I have to pretend I'm busy doing something on my phone and concentrate on not making eye contact.
The headline writer must have been related to the woman on the door at Home Bargains too, who described their short, well beheaved queue as being 'mental'. Mind, Home Bargains is always a bit mental so maybe she had a point.
While most other shops rely on signage to prompt good customer behaviour, Home Bargains rely on middle aged women hollering at you across the shop. God help you if you don't comply with an instruction with a nanosecond.
Or if you ask for help for that matter. "Aisle 3. Or 4. Maybe. If we have any, but I don't think we do." was amongst the most useful responses I got.
I'm not entirely sure Home Bargains is safe at the moment. All the sensible customers self-conforming to social distancing outside the store go to pot in the cheap chocolate section. And the checkout scrum must be a breeding ground for plague, small pox and a multitude of STDs, let alone Coronavirus. I'm going to self isolate for a month just to be on the safe side. Although, the chocolate is very cheap, so I may be tempted to change my mind.
Light in your head and dead on your feet
I have a confession. It is probably going to alienate a good deal of my readership, but honesty is the best policy and I hope that is something that is appreciated by you all.
It's Mary Berry. I can't watch her on the TV without ... I just can't watch her. I'm sure she's lovely really, but ... nope, Brisitish Institution or otherwise, I just can't.
*Shudders
It's got to the point where I can't eat any cake without imagining her Montgomery Burns-esque skeletal and paper thin skinned fingers sinisterly creeping menacingly through a batch of softening butter and sugar. In my nightmares she's drooling too, into the cake mix. Does she do that in real life, I've never watched long enough?
And the Lyrics
"'Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play"
Shake it Off, Taylor Swift
"We're S.H.O.P.P.I.N.G"
Shopping, The Pet Shop Boys
"Light in your head and dead on your feet"
Baker Street, Gerry Rafferty
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